It didn’t take me long to jump to the worst idea possible; suicide. I sat with this thought for far too long and if I’m being honest, I still sit with it from time. Suicide and I will sit down together for an afternoon every now and then and just catch up.
By that I mean I’ll be under a blanket in a room plotting my death and wishing I hadn’t been born. Right after she left I fell into this pretty hard. I have made suicide attempts in the past, but to be honest they were pretty half hearted. It did result in a lengthy self harm issue that took me years to resolve, but that’s for another book.
It bothered me how much I was entertaining and rationalizing my own demise, but when I really sat down with the facts as I saw them there was no other logical outcome. She was my life, she left me, without her I have no life, so then why would I continue living?
These are actual questions I would ask myself because I am a pragmatist if I am nothing. And I am sad to say that the objective thinker in me ran through all the numbers and said, “yea. Looks good to me.”
It was at this point that I made use of the Suicide Hotline. It was a lifeline. An interesting feature that they have is when you call you can set up an appointment to be called again the next day or in like 12 hours. That was amazing because when I was at my darkest and loneliest it was nice to know that someone cared without over caring.
Using that telephone line allowed me to speak about my thoughts and feelings on a subject that is taboo to say the least. Things you can’t just say to your mom or even your friends.
I will be honest and say that this was the closest I ever came to killing myself. And it wasn’t that I ever actually did anything. What was scary to me was that I had found a way to do it and resolved that was the solution.
I knew what I had planned would take some time because I had to gather materials, but there was solace in knowing that I had found a way to take the pain away.
I won’t go into the ways I researched and decided on because it feels like giving a playbook to someone who desperately needs anything else besides that. I will say that I understand what it feels like to be in so much pain that the only seemingly logical way of ending it is to end yourself. I have been there and sometimes I go back.